to my mom, with love from yuqi.
Scroll down to read the letter. Note: blue italics are the translations.
我今天想给你写一封信，但是我写不出来。不是应为我不想写，但是因为我的中文不够好。
Today, I wanted to write you a letter, but I can’t even write it. Not because I don’t want to, but because my Chinese isn’t good enough.
Even though you’re my mom, I feel like you don’t actually know me, and maybe it’s my fault.
I know who I am when I speak English. My words spill out, effortlessly stringing themselves into sentences, a perfect representation of my thoughts and experiences. I never have to second-guess my words, tripping over consonants and syllables and desperately trying to restring them together into a poor excuse for what I actually mean.
我是谁啊？我打回家的时候, I can’t seem to fish the words out of my brain.
Who am I? When I call home, I can’t seem to fish the words out of my brain.
所以我试的用英文和中文跟你聊天，但是你听不懂。I see how excited you are to hear about my week but I can feel the frustration grow between us when you can’t understand.
So I try to use Chinese and English to talk to you, but you don't understand.I see how excited you are to hear about my week but I can feel the frustration grow between us when you can’t understand.
现在，我长大了，出国去上学了。Now that I don’t talk to you every day, I can feel the distance growing. 我的中文变得越来越差。I’m forgetting what we used to share.
Now, I've grown up, left home to go to school.Now that I don’t talk to you every day, I can feel the distance growing.My Chinese gets worse and worse.I’m forgetting what we used to share.
我生气的时候、开心的时候、伤心的时候，你都会问我 “没事儿吧？” I want to share pieces of myself with you but my tongue catches on itself. A distinct language barrier that I cannot move past.
When I'm angry, when I'm happy, when I'm sad, you always ask me "is everything okay?"I want to share pieces of myself with you but my tongue catches on itself. A distinct language barrier that I cannot move past.
Your language. I’m not sure if I can call it our language when I can’t quite seem to call it my own. I regret pushing our language away as a kid because I didn’t want to be seen as different. So I refused to learn Mandarin, distancing myself from anything that seemed distinctly Chinese. It embarrassed me to be associated with it. With you?
小时候，我跟你出去买菜的时候，如果你跟我说中文，我都会假装我听不懂， 像你不是我妈。I never thought about how much that must’ve hurt you.
When I was little, when I would go to the grocery store with you, if you spoke Mandarin to me, I would pretend that I didn't understand, like you weren't my mom. I never thought about how much that must’ve hurt you.
我的名字
My name.
For years, I never bothered to learn how to write the name you gave me. 郑宇淇。
For years, I never bothered to learn how to write the name you gave me.Zheng Yu Qi.
When people would ask what my Chinese name was, I would shut my mouth, trapping the syllables under my tongue. “I don’t have one.”
现在我试的爱你给我的名字。I wear it proudly now – in fact, sometimes I prefer it to my English name. 我觉得听起来挺漂亮的。Yuqi. 宇淇。
Now I'm trying to love the name you gave me.I wear it proudly now – in fact, sometimes I prefer it to my English name. I think it's pretty.Yuqi. Yu Qi.
Legally, it’s my middle name. Always has been. A piece of you will always be with me.
I’m terrified for the day you’re not here anymore. I feel like I’m on borrowed time now, rushing to catch up with our language, our cultural understanding, our bond before it’s too late. I’m still so uncomfortable, so unfamiliar with a language that embraced me while growing up, but I’m trying.
妈，我希望你可以理解我。I want you to be proud of me.
Mom, I hope you can understand me.I want you to be proud of me.
我给你写了一封信但是这封信你一般都读不懂。My Chinese still comes out broken and awkward but I want to try for you.
I wrote you a letter but you can't even understand half of it.My Chinese still comes out broken and awkward but I want to try for you.
妈， 我爱你。
Mom, I love you.
真的很爱你，也很感谢你是我妈。
I really love you a lot, and I'm so grateful that you're my mom.
Love,
淇淇
Qi Qi (my nickname)
